Tuesday, 19.02.1998.
01:59...yes.
Without any reason. Just yes! Or no? Also without reason! No! I don't know...
What? It become clear that person can't be smart and he can't show it to
the others, even if he is infected with that strange decease called intelligence.
If you are intelligent - you are dangerous! If you are intelligent, you
might start to think one day, and that might be death for the whole system.
Intelligence is danger of modern civilization. Who even asked me to be
part of this civilization? All of that was taken for granted and the people
who are trying to run away from that they call eccentrics, hermits and
all different names. Why? It's because most of the people can't realize
that they live on some other peoples rules and not by their own rules.
Is it possible that only one small group of people can control and direct
our lives, pulling the strings like we are puppets in the tether, which
everyone laugh to and nobody understand? Yes, that's we are…a dolls. Just
a dolls which can't be free until they realize basic things about life.
I didn't realize them and there is a big possibility that I never will.
Why? I don't know. I didn't learn how to think about that. They didn't
teach me how to think about that! Consciously or unconsciously, but they
didn't. That's the truth that nobody can't deny. Why? Even they don't know.
Nobody knows. Nobody also knows why we don't use our brain the way we suppose
to use. It's a sad true that this is a world of morons, which are using
only 10 percent of their brains, and they will never use it in totality.
Not until someone understand. The question and the answer… I don't know
either. I can just feel it with one very distanced and very lonely part
of my brain, which is trying to break out and say what ever he have
to say. I can't even describe by my words that what I feel. It is so incomprehensible
and unknown... Just like everything else in this world. I don't know. I
want to settle my life. To drown myself in ignorance, just like other
people… I don't want to feel the way I feel now. I don't want to see the
world on the way I see it now. I want to be lethargic and melancholic just
like other people. Is that the sign of growing up? If it is, I don't want
to grow up, never. I want to keep this part of me forever. The part that
thinks clear. Why me? I don't want to be a tool in other peoples hand!
I want to be myself! I want to be free, untied in thinking and understanding!
The more I think about that, the less I know... Maybe I want to know less.
Love… What is love anyway? Many people, poets and wise man of this world
tried to give us the right answer, but none of them succeeded. Why? It
is because love is not universal for all people, and also, love is not
someone property. It is because love is something you can't describe and
to be same for all. Love is something that man will never understand in
whole. For some of them, love is when two people are in bed, and for some
other it's when the relationship is only platonic. Love is everywhere around
us and we are here to cache just some small parts of it, which we are able
to recognize. Love is movement of the hand. Love is the look that we cache
only for a second in a crowd. Love is the flower, just blossomed, and the
flower which is about to fade. Love is the world around us, but we are
not able to confess it to ourselves. Love is something magnificent and
indescribable. Love is the human curse, and we cannot accept it! I wrote
a poem about that, a long time ago. I wasn't conscious of the things I
just wrote. I wasn't even thinking about that…
The human curse
Dark room…
Everywhere I look,
You are there!
I'm trying to
Understand the cause
Of the human curse.
Dark room.
I'm trying to
Cache the darkness.
The darkness caches me,
And we fight!
No winners and no losers…
Dark room!
The human curse!
That is love…
Yes, this
is something which can show us that our subconscious's works better then
we knew or even hoped. I wrote this poem on 05.11.1997. while I was still
thinking about love like it is something private. Even now, in this moment,
I still think like that, but a lot of my standings are shaken. There is
some unwritten rules in this world. For example, don't ever think about
the death. The death will come one day, and if you start to think about
it you will just be depressed and you will think that there is no
point to live in this world. Don't ever try to understand the world around
you. You will just think too much and then you will destroy yourself trying
to understand things that you can't understand. These are just some of
many of those rules which are not recorded or written anywhere and which
are followed by almost all people in this world. I don't want. I want to
think! I want to know! I want to love and to be loved! I don't want to
be average and normal!
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